Neda, Iranian Queer Magazine - info@nedamagazine.net

| ی ی | 2009 | | ی

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My Queer Friends Mothers

By Arsham Parsi

Traslated by Adam

Edited by Pantea

 

During my nine years of social activities, many times I have listened to my queer friends mothers, including mine. I have listened to them carefully and tried my best to provide them with correct information to make them embrace their child in their motherly arms firmer than before rather than reject them to make their child feel that feeling of non-belonging and insecureness.

The letter which follows is written by a mother who had recently been informed about her sons sexual orientation and naturally was particularly anxious and concerned. We have had several correspondences and telephone conversations. This time, I want to have a word with the mothers of the Iranian queer society. The numbers of mothers who are addressed in this number of Neda magazine are not few; they are as many as the queers themselves.

 

Hello Dear Arsham,

I am a mother who is in need of your guidance and help. Something has happened in my life about which I had to talk to you. Firstly, I should thank you for giving me the time to speak to you today, for it helped me to calm down a lot. Under your guidance I have also started to read Neda magazine. I still cannot say whether it is helping or not, but I continue to read.  There are thousands of questions that I have, for which I may never find the answer. For example, why should a handsome boy like mine be attracted to a man rather than a woman? (This is not natural.) This is a question that often crosses my mind. Please help me, as I have no one except you with whom I can speak. I do not know how to explain how much talking to you has helped to soothe me. It seems as though you knew exactly what you have to tell me to calm my nerves. After a long period of sleepless nights, I was able to sleep for a while last night. How bad it is that I have to die frustrated in my hope to see my grandchildren. Thank you for listening to me. I hope you let me talk to you again.

 

Thank you again,

May God be with you for all your good deeds.

Yours truly,

A mother.

 

I have read this letter many times, and each time I was reminded of her sorrowful voice, of her inability to bring herself to admit that her son is a homosexual, and her beating around the bush about it until I broke the taboo of the term homosexual for her, at which point she said with a sigh, Yes, I have noticed that my son is homosexual.

 

Dear Mothers,

Perhaps one of your children is homosexual; but do you know what is the most tragic and disastrous event in all of this? You are wrong if you are saying that it is my child becoming homosexual. No. The event is nothing but you not seeing some of your dreams come true and your wishes fulfilled. Those wishes you have been contemplating on for years about your child to marry and have a husband/wife and babies of his or her own. Is this wish yours or your childs?

Due to the social and cultural taboos surrounding homosexuality we as Iranians have, when a mother discovers that her child is a homosexual, her first and most basic concern is not what inclination her child has and what role she, as his or her mother can hope to assume in her childs happiness and well-being; but what her family members are going to think! What are they going to think if her child does not marry? Are they going to think that she has failed as a mother? And for those of us with religious mothers, her concerns will be tied up with trying to understand what sins she has committed before God for which this is punishment. There are hundreds of other questions that cross the minds of Iranian mothers both inside Iran and across the diaspora.

The easiest response to all of these concerns is that nothing special has happened. It has just turned out that your child is homosexual, just as other children you may have are straight. And, you must stop thinking, for instance, that your handsome son is not in a relation with a girl and is not enjoying his life. This is because he is happy, but with a boy instead of a girl, just as the converse is true for your heterosexual son! Is it not your childs happiness and prosperity that you desire?! The only important difference with other mothers is that you have more responsibilities. I shall repeat here an explanation of this responsibility with a very simple example which I explained during one of my interviews in the Zane Emrooz (Todays Woman), a programme from Voice of America.

 

Dear Mothers,

Do you remember the time when this queer child of yours was a baby and went to school, and accidentally one of his or her classmates scribbled on his or her notebook, a fight broke out between them, and he or she may have been ridiculed? What sense of responsibility did you have back then? The sense of responsibility to declare your support for your child by going to their school and letting them know that you are their mother, that you love them, and that they could count on your help and support. And beyond that, to communicate this support to others, letting them know that you would not stand for anybody violating your childs rights

Do you think that your responsibility is any different today? Shouldnt you still be supportive of your child? I know it is not easy, but it is also not impossible. Your children are still in need of your support.

You certainly have many questions and want to find answers. Again, we have to remember that we have not yet found the answer to all of our questions.. Perhaps the most convenient way to receive your answers would be staying close and friendly with your queer children. If you instilled this sense of security in your child, you would be able to discover that they would do much to dispel many of your fears and concerns. They would do this as long as they have assurance from you that you are willing to keep the lines of communication open.

You are mothers of us Iranian queers. A childs emotions towards his or her mother are nothing but love and respect. Why do some of us hide our sexual orientation from you? It is simple. We do not want to distance ourselves from you. We do not want to be deprived of your motherly love, even if it necessitates refraining from telling you the truth frankly, and although it leads to our sacrificing our happiness.

 

Dear Mothers,

Do not banish your child through long arguments, erasing the problem and numerous questions. Keep them your children forever through acceptance, love, and support.

We, your children, do not want to see a moment of your discomfort. Believe this.

Soon the Iranian Railroad for Queer Refugees (IRQR) will offer a plan to the society of mothers of the Iranian queers. And we hope to have the support and cooperation of our mothers.

 

ҍǁ ی.