Neda, Iranian Queer Magazine - info@nedamagazine.net

| ی | ی 2010 | | ی

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Maternal Talk

Farah

 

While I was writing this, all my memories flashed on and tears began to drop again. I know you have suffered too just like my son, but you do have the right to run your life like everyone else.

 

Hello, my name is Farah, I will tell you the story of my gay son and my family and all we have been through. I hope this will perhaps help other parents who are dealing with gay children. I also want them to know that they are not alone.

 

My son Milad was born 25 years ago, he brought us happiness; it seemed our life was completed after his birth. I still remember my husband and I used to stare at him each time he was sleeping. It was the most beautiful moment while I was breastfeeding him peacefully in my arms. His father used to take him to the zoo and amuse him all the time.

 

Three years later when Mon was born, my family got larger, Mon and Milad got along very well with each other.

 

Up to 7 years old, Milad was very playful and happy. He became isolated since he started school, always preferring to be on his own. When I pick him up form school, he was always sitting alone on a corner waiting for me. He was happy at home but very shy in crowds. I used to talk often on this issue with my husband but we finally thought this was normal.

 

At the age of twelve Milad had changed a lot, he even didnt associated with his brother and began to lose his hair. We were worried and the doctors hadnt found any diagnoses. We consulted a psychologist and the whole family went to therapy for three years. I was sure something was bothering my son but the psychologist concluded that Milad was just shy and his behaviour was normal during puberty.

 

That problem had occupied me mentally the whole time. After three years of therapy we all were exhausted; even Milad refused to go to therapy. Each time I asked him about his girlfriend and why he didnt bring her home, he ran away from me or changed the subject.

 

Like any mother, I had dreams of seeing him marry so I could become a grandmother and take care of my grandchildren.

 

I was convinced that Milad would be a fabulous father, he was so nice and patient.

One day Mon came very exited to me and said that Milad had been watching male models on his computer. His father and I thought it was normal at his age, as he was curious. I told him that I was only concerned about his younger brother and those images, he answered: mom, I am gay and there is nothing wrong with it. I was shocked and him to his room. The whole world turned upside down and I began to cry for hours. What about my dreams, my daughter in law?

 

But soon I realised how difficult it was for Milad to go through this all alone on his own.

I was never there when he needed me, I felt so guilty that I never supported his concerns about his sexuality. Thousands of questions crossed my mind. On that very night we started to get information on the internet. Ive never been anti-homosexual and I knew homosexuality isnt a choice. I had homosexual acquaintances as well. But I never thought it could happen to my family. We had to get information and help Milad. I read almost thirty books about this. The more I read, the more I realised why Milad had been so shy and lonely, why he only associated with regular girlfriends.

Through the internet I found a group of mothers of gay children. I joined the group and was happy that I wasnt alone anymore. Ive learned from their experiences. When I mentioned to the group what about our dreams, marriage and grandchildren? the answer was that we  built those dreams ourselves and we can change it ourselves. They told me that I can still have my dreams, but I just need to modify them. I could still dream about my sons marriage but with a man instead of a woman, I could still dream that he and his husband/boyfriend could adopt a child and I finally will have a grandchild.

 

My husband could deal easier with this situation and has supported me to get through this.

From that night on, I started to help other mothers who have been dealing with a homosexual child. I meet from time to time parents who recently have found out their son is gay; they remind me of my own situation three years ago. Im glad Im able to help other parents with the same problem now.

 

Each night before going to bed, I check on Milads room, I kiss him on the cheek and I tell him how much I love him. I let him know he is my son, no matter heterosexual or homosexual, and he can always count on me and his father. Milad doesnt want others to know about his homosexuality, we all know why!

I only hope that all the parents who have gay children realise that they must love their children as they are and support them. Homosexual children needed to be loved even more than  heterosexual children. They dont have an easy life. Dont forget how many homosexuals commit suicide. Why wont we accept them like they are? Why should they go through all this pain alone? Why should they change themselves for our wishes? Why should they live underground? Every human being needs love and has the right to fall in love, no matter with the opposite or same sex, love is love.

 

Lets hope one day our children will have the right to choose their partner without our judgment.

My email is:  farah_1340@yahoo.com.  Ill be glad to answer your questions.

 

ҍǁ ی.